[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                           RED DWARF - SERIES 7

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                          EPISODE 4 -- DUCT SOUP

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

                               Version 0.7

                           9-13 February, 1997

                      Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk

                      http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk



 Credits for corrections: 

   Sea, Martin Guy





[-- 1 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]



[LISTER present, lying in bed, covered in sweat]



<LISTER glances at the digital thermometer beside him>



LISTER

  92 degrees... god!

  I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up...

  I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor...

  This is one of the universal dilemmas - something which has confronted all

men since the beginning of time... to pee or not to pee... that is the

question.

  No, I'll just lie here, really thirsty, with a full bladder, and try and

get to sleep.

  Smeggin 'ell!





[-- 2 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]



[KOCHANSKI present, lying in bed, wild eyes staring at a set of pipes fixed

 to the wall beside her, and a spanner held tightly in her fists]



KOCHANSKI

  One more time, and you get *this*.  D'you hear??  Don't think I don't mean

it!  One more time, just - one more.



<The pipes suddenly issue forth such a hideous, unearthly screech it could

 almost be believed that some kind of immense alien monster is dying within

 them.  Like a striking cobra, KOCHANSKI smashes her spanner into the

 offending ironwork, sending three loud 'clang's reverberating throughout

 the ship>



KOCHANSKI

  What did I tell you?  I told you!  Didn't I tell you??  How many times

have I told you?  Right, what was the last one?



<KOCHANSKI sits up and takes a notebook from a nearby shelf.  She flicks

 through the pages and consults the latest entries>



KOCHANSKI

  'Nureek'.  So the next one will be a 'retut', and the one after that will

be a 'hanunga'.

  Four seconds; three seconds; two seconds --



<Another unholy scream bursts out of the pipes>



KOCHANSKI

  Now 'hanunga'...



<A third death throe is howled out>



KOCHANSKI

  No, that's wrong!  You've gone out of sequence!  'Nureek', 'retut',

'hanunga' - what's wrong with you??



<KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes once more with her spanner.  Another three

 'clang's rattle Starbug>



KOCHANSKI

  If you're gonna keep me up all night just do it right, okay?!?



<Unfazed, the pipe-monster howls out its defiance>



KOCHANSKI

  'Squrlookal'??  Where does 'squrlookal' come from??  It's new!





[-- 3 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]



[LISTER present.  He stands in a shower cubicle, shrouded by steam which

 clears as he turns off the water and steps out.]



LISTER

  Phew, that's better.  Kill two birds with one shower.



<LISTER steps over to a fridge, opens it and takes out a freshly chilled

 pillow.  Clutching it to his chest, he smiles beatifically and heads back

 to bed>





[-- 4 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]



[KOCHANSKI present. Sat now at the foot of her bed, she has taken a pair of

 woolly socks and bunched each of the pair over an ear, holding them in

 place with a hair band.  Sliding back into bed, she lies back down, and

 takes up her spanner for comfort]



KOCHANSKI <calmly>

  Okayyy... right, right.

  I can't hear you.  You can do whatever you like - I can't hear a damn

thing.



<Mockingly, the Beast Of The Pipes screeches out just how wrong she is.

 In a hitherto unknown state of purest rage KOCHANSKI lays into the pipes,

 clangs bouncing around Starbug until the camera cuts away...>





[-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------]



[LISTER present, back in bed]



<Head on his chilled pillow, LISTER still can't get comfortable.  He twists

 and writhes for a moment before easing up and bashing the pillow with his

 fist to plump it.  Throwing his head down, he finds the pillow still not

 right, and punches it a few more times.  Still unhappy with the result and

 by now quite frustrated, he pounds the pillow several more times as the

 camera cuts away...





[-- 6 - Int. Starbug mid-section ------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN present.  He sits at the scanner table, darning clothes]



[Enter KOCHANSKI, socks still over her ears and wrapped in her bed's

 blanket]



KRYTEN <quietly>

  Oh my goodness.  It's Princess Leia.  Luke Skywalker went that way, ma'am.



<Seeing him speak, KOCHANSKI removes her makeshift ear-mufflers>



KOCHANSKI

  What?



KRYTEN <brightly>

  It's nearly 9am, ma'am, what are you doing up?



KOCHANSKI

  Looking for someone to kill - care to volunteer?



KRYTEN

  Oh, can't sleep?



KOCHANSKI

  Have you ever listened to those clapped-out old pipes?  'Nureek'ing and

'retut'ing, and just when you expect them to 'nureek' again, they

'squrlookal'!



<Sounding closer and closer to hysteria as she crossed to the galley,

 KOCHANSKI comes to a halt by the work-top and bashes her spanner a few

 times against its inoffensive surface>



KOCHANSKI

  It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!!



KRYTEN

  It's quite amazing, the number of people those pipes have driven to the

very brink of psychosis.  Mr Lister spent the night in there once, and he

ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.



<Perhaps reminded of food, KOCHANSKI bends and opens the fridge>



KOCHANSKI

  Look at this.  This is a boys fridge.  Women would never have fridges like

this.  Chilled trainers?  It just wouldn't happen!



KRYTEN

  What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?



<KOCHANSKI pads back into the mid-section>



KOCHANSKI

  I'd say: "Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!"

  I can't live like this, I need a bath.  I hate showers, I've always hated

showers.  Ask anyone who knows me what I hate, and do you know what they'll

say??



KRYTEN

  Erm, you hate showers?



KOCHANSKI

  You see!  Even you know and you hardly know me!

  I need a bath.  I need sleep; I need *clothes*; I need... cottage cheese

with pineapple chunks in.



KRYTEN

  Well, the next Space Corps. ship we come across ma'am, I'm sure we'll find

some supplies.



[KOCHANSKI flops into a chair by the scanner table and her face begins to

 crumple]



KOCHANSKI

  I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps. that it'd be tough in Deep

Space...  I accepted shopping was unlikely.  But then I lost my crew, my

ship, and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of

clothes, and pipes that 'squrlookal' when they should 'nureek'!



<Crying now, KOCHANSKI pauses to take a shuddering gulp of air>



KOCHANSKI

  I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in!  I even tried learning

what 'off-side' was.



KRYTEN

  Ma'am, please... I've never had to comfort a crying woman before.  Er, I'm

not familiar with the technique, er, hang on - just processing.



<KRYTEN tilts his head to one side and muted beeps issue from somewhere

 about his person>



KRYTEN

  Oh, oh, I see!  Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am - I know the drill now.



<KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI to her feet, wraps his arms about her stomach and

 unceremoniously delivers a sharp squeeze>



KOCHANSKI

  *gag*

  What are you doing!?  Get off me!



KRYTEN

  The Heimlich Manoeuvre, ma'am, I believe it helps women stop crying.



<KRYTEN gives another squeeze>



KOCHANSKI

  The Heimlich Manoeuvre stops people *choking*, you idiot!



KRYTEN

  No, I think you're wrong, ma'am.



<KOCHANSKI shakes herself free of KRYTEN's grip>



KOCHANSKI

  I'm not wrong!  You've just got a corrupted file in your database!



KRYTEN

  Well, then... why have you stopped crying?



KOCHANSKI

  Well, because it's really hard to cry when someone's doing the Heimlich

Manoeuvre on you.  It really puts you off!



KRYTEN

  But, you're not crying, though.



KOCHANSKI

  Well, no.



KRYTEN

  So, it worked?



KOCHANSKI

  Nooo!  It didn't work!  It just - oh shut up!  Shut up!  Shut up!



<Flopping back into her seat, KOCHANSKI lets her head fall onto the table

 and lets out a despairing sigh>



KOCHANSKI

  Where did it all go wrong..?  My life started off so promisingly.  Rich

parents; good school; pony named Trumper.  How did I end up like this?  On

a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry

room and watching my knickers spin dry...



KRYTEN <indignantly>

  Ma'am!  That is *not* true!  No one has ever done that!



KOCHANSKI

  That's only because they don't know when you wash them!  Couple of posters

and a trailer before 'The World's Stupidest Stuntmen' video and, take it

from me, that laundry room will be packed!



KRYTEN

  I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am.  A

great, great disservice!





[-- 7 - Int. Starbug laundry room -----------------------------------------]



[LISTER, CAT present.  Both are sat staring vacantly at the spinning washing

 machines]



CAT

  Wow - this is the best load yet!



LISTER

  Just for the record I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I can't

sleep.  So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten.



CAT

  Yeah, yeah, yeah...



LISTER

  I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by

women's underwear spin drying.



CAT

  My god, a g-string!



LISTER

  Where?



CAT

  You missed it...  I swear!  It was black and really, really small.



LISTER

  I'm too mature for this.  I'm just gonna sit here and read my comic.



CAT

  Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight.  I may even write a fan letter to

the washing machine company.



LISTER

  Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you.  You're completely out of

order, do you know that?



CAT

  Since when did you get so mature?



LISTER

  Mature?  I've been mature for ages, me.



CAT

  Oh yeah?



LISTER

  Yeah.



CAT

  You're just pretending to be mature, because that's your plan to get

officer Bud-Babe to fall for you!  Everybody knows that!



LISTER

  Go and stick an egg up your nose.



CAT

  It's true.



LISTER

  Isn't true.



CAT

  It is.



LISTER

  It isn't!



CAT

  Is!



LISTER

  Isn't!



CAT

  Is!



LISTER

  Isn't!



CAT

  Is!



LISTER

  Isn't!



CAT   LISTER

  Is!   Isn't! 

  Is!   Isn't!

  Is!   Isn't!



[Enter KRYTEN]



KRYTEN

  Sirs, sirs, sirs!  What are you arguing about?



LISTER

  About me being really mature.



KRYTEN

  What's come over you, sir, why aren't you in bed?



LISTER

  The heating system's gone bonkers.  Why, what's up?



KRYTEN

  Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.

She's in the mid-ships now, throwing knives into the wall and shouting

abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yogurts.



LISTER

  What's the problem?



<KRYTEN turns to a washing machine, stops the programme and begins unloading

 its contents>



KRYTEN

  It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the

sewage processor.  You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.



LISTER

  We'll re-lag them first thing in the mornin'.



KRYTEN

  Oh it's not just she can't sleep, sir, it's everything.  Not being able to

have a bath, no cottage cheese, no --



<KRYTEN's voice cuts off abruptly as he pulls Kochanski's red PVC uniform

 from the washing machine.  From collar to trouser tip, it now measures

 roughly ten inches>



KRYTEN <aghast>

  The thermostat!  I swear I set the correct programme!



<As KRYTEN fumbles with the machine's control panel, CAT and LISTER both

 ease into a standing position and stealthily creep away>



[Exit LISTER, CAT]



KRYTEN

  Oh!  Who on earth is going to tell her!?  I mean, who --



<Turning back, KRYTEN suddenly finds himself alone, and very, very guilty>





[-- 8 - Int. Starbug Mid-section ------------------------------------------]



[KOCHANSKI present.  She is seated at the scanner table, hunched over a can

 of sliced peaches.  Her hair is in disarray, and their is something of a

 disturbing calm about her; she chews her peaches very slowly without

 looking at what she's doing]



[Enter LISTER]



LISTER

  Hi.



<Not turning, KOCHANSKI utters a vague sound from behind a peach slice>



LISTER

  How're you settling in?



KOCHANSKI <slowly, and with great care>

  Great.  Having a ball.



LISTER

  We'll fix those pipes...



KOCHANSKI

  If you could just make them go 'nureek' every time without any

'squirlookals', I'd be so grateful.



LISTER

  We'll stop them completely.



KOCHANSKI

  I know I've been spoilt!  Brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow -



LISTER

  Yeah, the Gorbals, you said.



KOCHANSKI

  Eleven years in Cyberschool; perfect computer-generated setting; with

perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends.  Now I can't even have a bath...



LISTER

  Come on.  Come with me.  I've got something to show you.





[-- 9 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters ------------------------------------]



[LISTER, KOCHANSKI present.  Back in his own quarters, LISTER leads the

 listless KOCHANSKI to a large, seemingly foam-filled unit that takes up

 much of the floor space in front of his bunk]



LISTER

  You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours.



<He indicates the strange unit>



LISTER

  I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water.



KOCHANSKI

  I don't know what to say...



LISTER

  And I, erm... found this on that derelict...



<LISTER takes a box from atop his bed and hands it to KOCHANSKI>



LISTER

 I was savin' it for your birthday.



<KOCHANSKI opens the present and takes out a shimmering red dress at which

 she gazes wondrously>



LISTER

  There's some make-up in there, too.



[Enter KRYTEN, still carrying KOCHANSKI's wretched ex-suit]



KRYTEN

  I can't find her anywhere, sir, I've been searching high and low!



<Suddenly spotting KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN whips the wreck behind his back>



KRYTEN

  Oh!  Ma'am.  Didn't spot you, there.



LISTER

  Krissie's sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.



KRYTEN

  [beat]

  In, your quarters, sir?



LISTER

  Yeah, she's gonna have a nice, hot bath.



KRYTEN

  In here?  Without clothes on?



LISTER

  Well, all convention dictates probably, yeah.



[SHOT: KRYTEN's worried face]

[DISSOLVE to ...]





[-- 10 - Int. Starbug Cargo deck ------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present.  Conjured up by his own paranoia, KRYTEN

 sees himself talking to his long-time friend LISTER, whose arm is linked

 with KOCHANSKI.  Both seem to be smiling just a little too much]



LISTER

  Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be better

all 'round if you leave.



KRYTEN

  Er, sir?



LISTER

  As you probably know, we're planning on settling down together, it started

that night she had a bath in my quarters, you remember?



KOCHANSKI

  We got you this leaving present...



KRYTEN

  A key-ring -



LISTER

  With a 'C' on it.



KOCHANSKI

  For 'Kryten'!



KRYTEN

  But, you spell 'Kryten' with a 'K'...



KOCHANSKI

  Ohh, don't make a fuss.

  Now, I've packed all your heads; they're in the bag.



LISTER

  You know what it's like, man, it's the fourth Law of the universe: you

settle down with a woman, and the first thing they do is systematically set

about getting rid of all your mates.  The Cat's next.



KOCHANSKI

  I've been packing his bag for over three weeks!



LISTER

  See, we wanna be a proper couple, have lots of dinner parties, and I think

I've reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs.



KOCHANSKI

  And you see we're all a bit embarrassed of you because you've got a funny

shaped head.



LISTER

  You're not human, are you, you're a robot.



KOCHANSKI

  Yeah!



LISTER

  Eeeugh!



[Enter two Kinitawowi GELFs]



LISTER

  Oh hi!  You're early, come in!



KOCHANSKI

  Good to see you!



<LISTER and KOCHANSKI exchange two highbrow 'non-kisses' with the GELFs, and

 all four sidle out>



[SHOT: KRYTEN's anguished face]

[DISSOLVE to...]





[-- 11 - Int. Starbug Sleeping Quarters -----------------------------------]



[KRYTEN, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]



KRYTEN <undirected>

  I've just seen the future!



<Abruptly, KRYTEN pulls KOCHANSKI's shrunken uniform from behind his back

 and holds it up as evidence>



KRYTEN

  I'm afraid Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am.  You only have one left,

now.



KOCHANSKI

  Did he?  Never mind.



KRYTEN

  Aren't you mad?



KOCHANSKI

  I'm too tired to be mad...  I just want to have my bath, and get some

sleep.



KRYTEN <offended>

  Right.  I'll be going then.  *Going*.  After all these years, I'll be

*going*.



LISTER

  Are you all right, Kryts?



KRYTEN

  Never been better, thank you, sir.  A key-ring with a 'C' on it!

Unbelievable!  Thank you with a capital 'R'!



[Exit KRYTEN]



KOCHANSKI

  What's eating him?



LISTER

  I dunno - I'll find out later.



KOCHANSKI

  Thanks for this, I *really* appreciate it.



LISTER

  Heyy, no bother.



KOCHANSKI

  See you in the morning.



LISTER

  That's right.

  Well, I'll be going then?



KOCHANSKI

  Yeah.  'Night.



LISTER

  Right, I'll... I'll go...



KOCHANSKI

  Yeah.



LISTER

  Yeah.



KOCHANSKI

  See you tomorrow.



LISTER

  Tomorrow!  Right.  If you need anyone to, um, scrub your back or anything,

don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.



KOCHANSKI

  I won't.



LISTER

  Right then.



KOCHANSKI

  'Night.



LISTER

  'Night.  Goodnight.



<LISTER turns and at last passes through the hatchway.  No sooner is he out

 of sight than a muted explosion suddenly shakes the transport vessel and

 the cabin lights extinguish>



[Enter LISTER]



KOCHANSKI

  What was that??



LISTER

  Hang on a minute, I've got a torch somewhere...



<Lighting his torch, LISTER and KOCHANSKI head out into the corridor>



[Enter CAT, KRYTEN]



CAT

  What the hell's happenin'?



KRYTEN

  The generator's down, sir.  I was just adjusting the thermo-settings and

it overloaded.  Give it a few seconds and the emergency backup will kick in.



[As if on cue, a whirring sound emanates from somewhere, and the lights come

 back up]



KRYTEN

  Ah, thank goodness.



<The Dwarfers trail back into LISTER's quarters>



KRYTEN

  I'll look into it immediately, sir!



<Before they can move a screeching noise fills the air.  For the second time

 in as many minutes the interior lights all die>



LISTER

  There goes the backup!  Now everythin's dead.



CAT

  How come the doors closed?



LISTER

  When the backup goes down the doors always lock; prevent fire, re-inforce

hull integrity.



CAT

  So what's steering this crate?  Is autopilot down too?



KRYTEN

  Everything's down.  Oh, I wish I'd been more careful!



CAT

  You mean this ship's careening out of control through space with

absolutely zero expertise at the helm?



KOCHANSKI

  No change there, then.



LISTER

  We've got to re-fire the backup generator.



KRYTEN

  The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts.



CAT

  The what?



KRYTEN

  Two miles of ventways that wind their way through the ship like

intestines.  There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir.



LISTER

  How long's that gonna take?



KRYTEN

  Oh, six hours, maybe more?



LISTER

  Six hours??



KRYTEN

  Are you okay, sir?



LISTER

  Fine, yeah.  Yep, yep.



KOCHANSKI

  The reading said last night that there was gonna be a meteor storm coming

in directly ahead, but it won't hit us for at least twelve hours.



KRYTEN

  We should gather up some supplies.  A little food, as much water as we

can carry, and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.



LISTER

  Okay, let's go.





[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway ----------------------------------------------]



[Starbug's internal ducts take the shape of cramped, dusty, cylindrical

 corridors, flat-bottomed, about five feet wide by four high.  Passage

 through the ducts is possible only by crawling]



<ALL present>



CAT

  It's so damn hot I can barely breathe!  It's like being stuck in a sauna

with a fat man on your face!



LISTER

  I don't feel so good... the walls are closing in!



KRYTEN

  Are you okay, sir?



LISTER

  I need to take a break - I need air!



KOCHANSKI

  He's claustrophobic, didn't you guys know?



LISTER

  I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the middle

somewhere...  Can't breathe...



KRYTEN

  Have a drink, sir.



KOCHANSKI

  Okay, take a look around - see if we can unscrew one of the ceiling

hatches; drop back down into the ship somewhere.



KRYTEN

  Let's go.



[Exit KRYTEN, CAT]



LISTER

  M' throat's closin'... chokin'...



KOCHANSKI

  Here, drink some of this.  You just need something to take your mind off

it.



<KOCHANSKI pauses as they both lean side-by-side against the duct wall>



KOCHANSKI

  I wonder why Dave - my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic?



LISTER

  Oh thanks, Kris, that's really helpin'.  Now is not a great time to tell

me how great your boyfriend is, okay?



KOCHANSKI

  He wasn't my boyfriend.  Not really.



LISTER

  What?



KOCHANSKI

  No, we were just good friends.



LISTER

  No, but you said --



KOCHANSKI

  I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met, so I

asked him to play along.



LISTER

  You weren't going out with him?



KOCHANSKI

  He wasn't my type.



LISTER

  But, he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive; you're so damn

picky!  Why wasn't he your type?



KOCHANSKI

  He was gay.



LISTER

  You see?  Picky.  Everythin's got to be absolutely perfect before you're

int --

  What did you say??



KOCHANSKI

  He was gay.



LISTER

  Gay?



KOCHANSKI

  Yes.



LISTER

  Are you sayin' I'm -- I'm gay in an alternative dimension?



KOCHANSKI

  Yes.



LISTER

  Me?



KOCHANSKI

  That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks; it was sort of his final

attempt at trying to work things out.



LISTER

  Wait a minute... you don't think... now *hang on*, I'm completely

straight, okay?  I couldn't possibly be gay.  I can't grow a big moustache

for starters - it just grows in little clumps...



KOCHANSKI

  Oh, shut up...



LISTER

  I'm just sayin' --



KOCHANSKI

  I really miss him.  He was great.  Sometimes we used to go to bed

together, and he'd just hold me.  Made me feel everything was okay.



LISTER

  Mmm?  Well, actually...  No!  What am I thinking of??  I am *not* gay!



KOCHANSKI

  There's no need to make such a big deal about it!



LISTER

  But I am not!



KOCHANSKI

  Back on Red Dwarf before the accident I had *loads* of gay friends.



LISTER

  Yeah, so did I.



KOCHANSKI

  Yeah?



LISTER

  Yeah!



KOCHANSKI

  Real friends, that you were really close to?



LISTER

  Yeah.



KOCHANSKI

  Name one.



LISTER

  Okay, what about... Bent Bob?



KOCHANSKI

  'Bent Bob'..??



LISTER

  Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering.



KOCHANSKI

  That's what you used to call him, is it?  "Hey Bent Bob!  How's it going,

mate?"



LISTER

  It was his nickname!  It was affectionate.  I mean, obviously we only used

it behind his back.  Used to go to poker school; nice bloke.



KOCHANSKI

  And he was one of your really good friends, was he?



LISTER

  All right, I admit I haven't had many gay friends.



KOCHANSKI

  Yes you have - you just haven't known they were.



LISTER

  Like who?



KOCHANSKI

  Well, I can only speak for my reality, but on our ship... Toddhunter.



LISTER

  Toddhunter?



KOCHANSKI

  Yeah.



LISTER

  But he was married.



KOCHANSKI

  So?



LISTER

  He had kids!



KOCHANSKI

  So??



LISTER

  He used to fool around, slept with women!



KOCHANSKI

  That doesn't mean anything -



LISTER

  Yes it does!

  [beat]

  Hand on a minute; this is garbage, isn't it?  You just made it all up to

take my mind off being stuck in 'ere!

  You're not really a sad loser after all, are you?

  [beat]

  God, I found that really attractive, as well.

  Made me feel sort of superior and macho.  Not that I don't *usually* feel

macho, because I do.



KOCHANSKI

  Here, have another drink - heteroboy.



LISTER

  So, your Dave... he isn't, is he?



<KOCHANSKI says nothing, just the ghost of a smile plays on her face>



LISTER

  Ahhhh, smeg!



[Enter KRYTEN, CAT]



KRYTEN

  We've found a grill about twenty meters down on the right, which drops

down into a supply room.  We can't get through to unscrew the fastening

bolts but, ma'am, with smaller hands you might enjoy better luck.



KOCHANSKI

  Will you be okay?



CAT

  Leave him to me.



LISTER

  I'll be okay.



[Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI]



<CAT turns himself around in the cramped space and sits beside LISTER.  He

 glances around for a moment, obviously bored, while LISTER practices

 breathing exercises to keep calm>



CAT

  Boy, is it cramped!  Whew-ew!  I tell you, if I was dead you most

certainly could not swing me around in here!



LISTER

  Cat...



CAT

  Talk about cooped up!



LISTER

  Cat!



CAT

  Oh, sorry... not supposed to talk about that, right?



LISTER

  Right.



<CAT is silent for a few moments, aware he should be diverting LISTER's

 attention but at a loss for something to say>



CAT

  So how do you get to be claustrophobic?  Are you born that way, or is it

because you're kind of sissy?



<LISTER rolls his eyes in incredulity and tries to put a stop to the

 discussion>



LISTER

  Sissy.



CAT

  Yeah??



LISTER

  Yeah.  Now can we just change the subject, please?



CAT

  So how comes you didn't get it when we was in that tunnel when all the

walls were --



<LISTER cuts him off with a strangled cry>



LISTER

  I don't always get it, okay!  Just sometimes!  When I know that I can't

get out.  Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar.



CAT

  But how come you get it at all, though?



LISTER

  <sigh>  I was seventeen, working in the MegaMart, part time, as a trolley-

parker.  After a couple of months I fell in love with cashier number four...

She was 22, come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes...  And there was just

something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash m'

trolleys. <sigh>

  We started seeing each other, in the stock room, at break time --



CAT

  She gave you claustrophobia??  I didn't think you could get it like

that...



LISTER

  She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish; ten years

older than me.  He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he

used to run than her.  One evening, we were both on the late shift; we snuck

into the stock room; started makin' love on a box of tinned asparagus.

After a couple of minutes - about half way through, I was seventeen - she

leapt up and said: "There's someone at the door!", so I jumped into this

wooden packing crate; it was 'im!

  He asked what the *hell* she was doing lying on a box of reduced, tinned,

dented veg with no kit on.  She said she was trying to get an all-over tan

from the lightbulb.

  He was havin' none of that.  He sealed me up in the box and said he was

gonna drop me in the canal - he drove me out there!  I was *screamin'* at

him, *pleadin'*: "let me out!"; promised him anything, said I'd never see

her again, just let me out!

  In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened.  I stepped out,

bollock naked, right in the middle of the Bootle-players' amateur production

of "The Importance Of Being Earnest"...



CAT

  Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!





[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway ----------------------------------------------]



[KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, down-corridor and well out of earshot of these

 revelations, working at the access grill] 



KRYTEN

  I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic; why did he never mention it?



KOCHANSKI

  Well, it's probably not something he feels comfortable talking about.



KRYTEN

  He's told me about everything else about his life...



KOCHANSKI

  Not everything, Kryten.



KRYTEN <indignantly>

  Absolutely, ma'am!



KOCHANSKI

  [beat]

  Everything?



KRYTEN

  Mmm.  Before you arrived, nights were long and dull.  'Cheese slice snap'

can only entertain for so long.



KOCHANSKI

  So... what did he tell you about me?



KRYTEN

  Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am.  I don't think he missed a single

detail.



KOCHANSKI

  You mean, he told you - about the rusty gate?



KRYTEN

  Oh!  The rusty gate; that was one of the first things he told us.  We all

had a good laugh about that!



<KOCHANSKI's eyes widen>



KOCHANSKI

  He told you that??  He told you that I make a sound like a rusty gate when

I'm making love??  He told you that??



KRYTEN

  No, he - told us his, grandma once had a, rusty gate, and he, um, helped

fix it.



KOCHANSKI

  And that gave you a big laugh?



KRYTEN

  Well, like I say ma'am, nights were long and dull, a-ha ha.  We were glad

of the anecdote.



KOCHANSKI <hideously embarrassed>

  S-so, he didn't... just shut up, okay.  I never said that.



KRYTEN

  Allow me a second, ma'am.  Just cross-filing that story under 'B' for

blackmail, and 'A', for anecdote; sub-category 'S' for 'so funny you'll

laugh till you're sick!'.



KOCHANSKI

  Look, wick-stand head; me and Dave, it's all in the past.



KRYTEN

  In which case, ma'am, why does he keep looking at you in the same way that

a starving man would look at a packed of roasted peanuts?



KOCHANSKI

  Well, it's because --



KRYTEN

  It's because, ma'am, he can't wait to get the wrapper off and taste the

salty goodness!



KOCHANSKI

  That's his problem; I'm accounted for.



KRYTEN

  What about the way you look at him?



KOCHANSKI <indignant>

  What way?



KRYTEN

  I've seen the way!



KOCHANSKI

  *What way*?



KRYTEN

  Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!



KOCHANSKI <aghast>

  How could you say that..?  I have *never* looked at him like he's a pot of

cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!  Maybe, once or twice, plain

cottage cheese, but never, *ever*, with pineapple chunks in!  Never.  Never!

  [beat]

  Have I??





[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway ----------------------------------------------]



[LISTER, CAT present]



<CAT suddenly cocks his head as if listening intently>



CAT

  What's that?



LISTER

  What's what?



CAT

  Can't you hear it yet?  Like a... roaring noise...



LISTER

  A roaring noise?



CAT

  Like a... watery kind of roaring noise...



LISTER

  I can't hear a thing.



CAT

  It's like water roaring down, say, a passageway.  In a kind of roaring,

watery kind of way.  I wonder what the hell it is!



<LISTER suddenly bolts several meters down a ductway>



CAT

  Hey, where're you goin'?



LISTER

  Kris!  Kryten!  Re-cyc water!



<LISTER runs back to CAT>



LISTER

  Every four hours the ductways get backwashed!



CAT

  You know what?  I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.



LISTER

  Come on!



<LISTER sprints off down the ductway>



CAT

  I ain't goin' wit' you!



LISTER

  Why not??



CAT

  That's where the water's coming from.  Psshhh.  You can be really dumb

sometimes, you know that?



<If LISTER hears this last, he gives no indication, given that he's already

 put an admirable distance in the opposite direction between himself and

 CAT.



 There is no escaping the inevitable, however, and within seconds, thousands

 of gallons of re-cycled water roars and foams its way down the ductways.

 The Dwarfers, caught in the path of this liquid avalanche, are swept out of

 control through the bowels of Starbug, crashing at last against a large

 grating designed to seal off large matter from the water storage tanks.

 Pressed up against the grating, the Dwarfers can do nothing but let the

 last of the water blast past them>



LISTER <shouting above the noise>

  I hate this, I really hate this!





[-- x - Int. Starbug Ductway ----------------------------------------------]



[ALL present.  The troupe of bedraggled and thoroughly smegged-off Dwarfers

 tramp though a larger section of ducts]



<Cat pauses, listening>



CAT

  What's that?



LISTER

  What's what?



CAT

  That noise...



LISTER

  Oh, not again!  What noise?  Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise?



CAT

  No, not *that* noise.  This is a different kind of noise.



LISTER

  Is it a kind of 'Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's

fist' kind of noise..?



CAT

  It's a sort of... swirly... windy... ah... water-drying, hurricaney kind

of noise!

  

LISTER

  A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise??

  [beat]

  The dryer!  The vents get dried after a backwash!



<All four scrabble to find something to hold on to>



LISTER

  Here it comes...



<The roar of the dryers build until the duct is filled with gusting,

 shrieking wind.  LISTER and CAT, both grasping and overhead grating, are

 lifted off their feet, hanging precariously in what has now become a wind-

 tunnel>



LISTER

  I am *not* *having* *a* *good* *day*!!



<CAT loses his grip and tumbles down along the duct, LISTER lasting only a

 moment longer before he two is whipped away to bounce into CAT, KRYTEN and

 KOCHANSKI, all of whom have been piled up against the wall of a junction in

 the ducts>





[-- x - Int. Supply room --------------------------------------------------]



[ALL present]



KRYTEN

  This should help, sir; take away the rising panic.



LISTER

  What is it?



KRYTEN

  There was a first aid box in the supply store.  Lemo-plathenamine-

cathorolite.



<KRYTEN applies the hypo-gun to LISTER's neck and empties a round into a

 vein>



KRYTEN

  Well done, ma'am.



KOCHANSKI

  According to my reckoning we should be halfway across B-deck by now.



CAT

  Boy, is this place hot!  Satan could come here on his winter break!



LISTER

  Hang on, how come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed in?

It should be gettin' colder, shouldn't it?



KRYTEN

  Ma'am - that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, which

direction was it in?



KOCHANSKI

  Dead ahead.



KRYTEN <panicking>

  Oh!  Anything else in the vacinity?



KOCHANSKI

  To the west there is a sun, but that's about it.



KRYTEN

   I think we've been knocked off course!  Probably due to the initial

impact of the generators going down - I think we're heading straight into

that sun!  And it's all my fault!



LISTER

  Kryten, man, it's not your fault...



KRYTEN

  It is!



LISTER

  It isn't!  You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.



KRYTEN

  I did it on purpose...  I typed in the override code, on the access panel

in the corridor.



LISTER

  *What*??



KRYTEN

  I don't know what to say, I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!!



LISTER

  Kryten, man, what made you do it??



KRYTEN

  I really can't remember...



CAT

  What do you mean, 'you can't remember'?



KRYTEN

  I'd really, rather not say it out loud... might sound a bit silly...



KOCHANSKI

  Say it...



KRYTEN

  I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am.  Well, I knew it would be one of

those 'no clothes' baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back, and before we

know what's going on, he's wearing clogs and you're having GELFs around to

dinner.

  And what would happen to me??  I'd have been on my own again!



KOCHANSKI

  Oh, Kryten..!



KRYTEN

  I - was - just - so - *scared*!



LISTER

  Come on - we've got no time to waste, let's get the hell out of here!



KRYTEN

  But we're not going to make it, sir!



LISTER

  Yes we are!



KOCHANSKI

  How?



LISTER

  Catch some surf!





[-- x - Int. Starbug ductway ----------------------------------------------]



[ALL present.  The Dwarfers have salvaged a large metal plate upon which

 they all sit, two-abreast]



LISTER

  Okay, here it comes...



CAT

  Tell me again, how do you 'hang ten'?



LISTER

  Just get into position!

  Here it --



<A roaring tide of water bursts out of the duct behind them and sends their

 makeshift surfboard careering down the metal duct>



ALL

  AAAARRRRGGHH!





[-- x - Int. Supply room --------------------------------------------------]



[ALL enter]



LISTER

  Oh!  Thank god we made it!



<LISTER takes in his surrou